Saturday, December 31, 2011

Lesson Plan Part Dos

As Kampfy did, I decided to make a new character. I have never enjoyed playing the "assassin" type game/character. For instance, the idea behind having to sneak everywhere, take out people without others noticing, etc etc. I've always hated it. But with the myriad of options available to you in this game, you can make a sneaky assassin while still being out going and such. So, I created Salogel (yes, this name is'll see why when you figure it out). After getting much farther into the game than I did with my last character, I paid attention to those first five lessons...only to pick up and learn three more very important lessons.

Allow me to present, Three Lessons All Aspiring Sneak Assassins Should Know!

Lesson 1: Don't try to pick pocket sleeping bandits.

I like to think I'm a lot sneakier than I really am. I was doing a bounty for the Jarl of Riften where some thieves at a camp just to the east of Riften were causing problems. I snuck in, took out two of the bandits from a distance with my bow and continued on. I came across the bandit leader, sleeping soundly on a rug. I checked my surroundings and saw nobody. When I looked back at the bandit leader, the command for pickpocket showed up. I thought it was funny that I could pickpocket the sleeping bandit. Oops. The bandit woke up, four of her buddies joined her, and it was an all out slugfest. I BARELY survived. When I made it out, I decided that pickpocketing was a skill I wasn't too interested in.

Lesson 2: You can never sneak up on a group of trolls, ever.

This was actually pretty funny. I was just out exploring, not going anywhere special. I was sneaking along a river when I heard a grunt. I looked to my left and saw three trolls eating off of a dead animal. This was my time to shine. I moved around to the right some more so I could flank them from behind. Oops. I was within shooting distance when all of a sudden I became detected and they all three jumped me. After I died, I decided I had to try again. So, this time, I found the group, flanked to the other side, made sure I was WAY far away and got ready to take a shot. I hear a growl and then my screen turns dark red. I turn around only to see myself getting mauled by a fucking bear. Okay, so, I took one more attempt at this. I sneaked around a little bit, got into position and BAM, a fucking dragon flies overhead and starts attacking the trolls. The dragon then decided that he wasn't full because he came after me. I got owned.

Lesson 3: Don't piss of the Dark Brotherhood

Yes, this was included in my last post, but, I just wanted to emphasize this again. I've been really careful this time, making sure not to steal from the wrong people or kill in public where it can be seen. But, I still did something to piss somebody off or another and I've already had four assassins attempt to take me out, all carrying bounty letters for my head. Just please, do NOT piss off the Dark Brotherhood.

I also have one minor lesson that I learned...

Apparently, using Unrelenting Force is the same as a full scale attack. I saw some guards in Riften talking about how none of them believed the Dragonborn was really in Skyrim. So, I walked up and used the Shout. I did not do it to them or at them. I did it off to the side. They either became scared shitless or really angry because they all attacked me and tried to arrest me. Of course, I'm too cool for jail so I killed all four of them, took out the three people watching, and booked it.


It's 4am and I found it funny.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Skyrim = Satan?

Is Skyrim Teaching Your Children How to Perform “Rim Jobs” and Other Homo Erotic Sex Maneuvers?

Thank you, ChristWire! Now I know my soul can be cleansed when I stop playing this awful, demonic game!

(This site is a great piece of satire. If you ever get a chance, check out some more of their posts)

Look at that Homo-Erotic stabbing motion... Obviously the work of Satan!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A New Legend...

... Is born. I started a new character today. Decided that playing on my old character, Lucius, was beginning to get a bit stale. So, wishing to do something different, I created a new persona. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Roland Chell, the infamous Poisoner of Skingrad, and my new sneaky, killing, thieving motherfucker.


And don't worry, Lucius is still around with his buddy, Golden-Hooves. :)

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Beginner's Humble Lessons

Greetings, all! I'm Jazzy, another good friend of Kampfy's. I've been playing online games with Kampfy for going on four years now and now that I have Skyrim, he has invited me to write in the blog as well.

I recently received my very first "higher level" gaming platform. I have been stuck with an old, beatdown computer that doesn't run shit and a Playstation 2 for as long as I can remember. However, I finally got that coveted PS3 along with Skyrim. I haven't figured out how to upload pictures from the PS3 to here (if you know how, please let me know) so, my posts for the time being will be without pictures.

Thus, allow me to present, Jazzy's Top 5 Lessons All Newbs Should Know When Starting Skyrim!

Lesson 1: Don't attack guards

I learned this very early on. Here I am, all joyful and happy that I finally found my way to Whiterun. I am standing at the Stable outside of Whiterun when lo and behold some guard accosts me and starts bitching at me about one thing or another. My patience was already on thin ice, so, what did I do? Fried the fucker. Oops. Big mistake. Not only did five more guards come running at me, but, I ended up dying and having to start back quite a ways as it had been forever since my last save.

Lesson 2: Don't attack guards in the city

Yep, that's right. I'm fucking retarded. After making it back to Whiterun, I finally decided to just leave the guards be and actually enter the City this time. Within FIVE FUCKING MINUTES another guard accosts me and starts rambling. Again, I'm pissed. So I killed him. Oops. I say I'd rather die than go to jail and take out three guards that rush me. Within a few more minutes, I was captured and thrown into jail. Moral of the story: If you attack the guards in the city, either run like hell and/or kill all the witnesses. Or just don't attack the guards at all.

Lesson 3: Don't piss off the Dark Brotherhood

Since the whole idea behind "killing those that piss me off" seemed to be taking shape, I decided to just stick with the "kill on sight" kind of thing. Have no remorse. Oops. Well, that worked wonderfully until I apparently pissed off some family or another and before I knew it, I had assassin after assassin after assassin coming after me. I took care of most of them, no problem, but, I still learned to be careful who I kill.

Lesson 4: Don't wander into dark caves unprepared.

I decided to give this a shot. I was walking to the Greybeards and I see a cave in the side of the mountain...oh yes, I HAVE to check it out (damn curiosity). So, I walk in (around 50% health at the time) and start looking around. Oops. Three witches pop out of nowhere and go all Palpatine on my ass. I was deep fried and skewered in about five seconds. Fuck, all that walking and now I have to start back at Whiterun...


I decided I wanted to toss things up a bit and make an archer/mage. I know it's a weird combination, but, I wanted something different for a change. Oops. Things were going well until I started to realize just how unbalanced I was. I had great damage and such with bows. And I had a wide variety of spells. But what about my armor? What about my ability to fight hand to hand with a weapon? If I came across a group of five enemies, I could take out two with the bow, one with my spells and then BAM, I'm all out of Magicks and they're too close to be effective with the bow. I couldn't even kill two bandits without dying twice. Check the perks, study them, and try really hard to balance your skills or you'll find yourself fucked harder than a whore in Amsterdam.

Well, that about sums up my first post. I'm sorry it's a novel with no pictures (making it less enjoyable) but it's the best I got. I look forward to continuing my quest through Skyrim with the hopes of finding a balance in my play and the choices I make for my character.


Monday, December 19, 2011

My Recent Travels

So as Kampfy said, I'm Zerotix. I'm a good friend of his and a fellow gamer. When I started the game, I decided to go full mage to see what it was like. I have to admit, it's very fun, but a bit hard. I play on Expert because I don't have the patience for Master. Anyways, I didn't dive into the main quest right away. I did a side quest here and there, check out some screen shots:

That's a pretty old screen shot. I don't take that many unless I see something cool. That was when I was going through the College of Mages quests, and yes I use a shield in one hand and a spell in the other. And yes, I fight on the frontlines with JUST a shield when in battle. Anyways, after becoming the Archmage and getting the robes I'll never be able to replace, I went along with the main quest a bit and ended up here:

This place is cool looking. I'm so glad I came here. This place makes my game look like Bioshock, and I hate Bioshock other than it's prettyness. So now I'm balls deep in the main quest and we'll see where it leads. Hopefully I won't get sidetracked too much with other quests.

Lastly, wtf is this shit?

Spoiler: It's a glitch from my graphics card.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Meet Zerotix!

I'd like to introduce everyone to my new cohort and fellow blogger, my good friend Zerotix. You'll start seeing (Or already have seen) his posts in the coming weeks!

In the mean time, enjoy this picture...

Me and my new buddy, Mammoth.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Return of Shadowmere

If you've played Oblivion, you understand the impact that Shadowmere had during the game. Now, I have never even used a horse in Skyrim, but when this happened:

I damn near shit myself with joy. 

The only thing I don't understand is why Shadowmere is a "he" in Skyrim but a "she" in Oblivion. Age is not a factor, as Shadowmere is a demon horse and emerged from a pool of bubbling tar. I'm not interested in logic at this point though.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Illustrated Travels, 12/6/11

Someone, please, for the life of me, explain this picture.

Raiding another fort with some Stormcloaks.

Really, game? TWO fucking bears? FUCK YOU



If I may... Absolute Badassatude. Check this one out full size and make it your wallpaper.

ALSO! Send me pictures of the stupid shit you do in game. I want to do an all fan-based content post this coming week! 

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Stories from Skyrim, 12/3/11

So today was a fail-filled day. I ran from a bear, killed a dragon, raided some forts, got attacked by some cat-assassin-thing, got chased around by another fucking bear, and finally got Eyefinity to work. (Kinda.)

So let's do these in order.

Bears. I fucking hate bears. They were NO WHERE NEAR AS FUCKALL HARD TO KILL in Oblivion. I used to have to just book it anytime I saw one, but I recently grew a set and started to maul these things back in the face with my fucking axe. Eat Wuuthrad, motherfucker.

In case you can't tell, this is Mr. Bear getting an axe to the FACE.

At any rate, after raping the bear's face with a serrated edge of an ancient God-of-War's axe of malicious doom, I managed to get some cool screenshots of the surrounding countryside.

Ended up slaying another dragon just outside of Morthal during a quest. I love when these fuckers decide to fly in as you're doing something important. It's like the game just knows when to fuck with you. Not cool, man, not cool.

Fort raidin' was fun. Finished some more of the Stormcloak's questline, and took two more forts. I really enjoy these portions of the game... It really makes me feel like I'm making a difference.

Then there was this. A fucking khajiit assassin from the Dark Brotherhood decided it was a good day to fuck with me. I showed it otherwise.



I'm just riding along, minding my own fucking business, when this asshat decides to start rushing me. Usually, I stop for kitties because I'm a natural cat person, but I guess today I was wrong. Not a merchant, an assassin. Throws some bullshit paralyzing potion on me and starts swinging. Like that's going to stop me. You saw what happened to the bear, right? Ripping through some kitty isn't stopping a two-handed axe swing.

Speaking of bears...

Not again...




Needless to say, the bear was no longer with us after that strike.

As for the Eyefinity, I'll make a separate post about that later in the blog. Got it working somewhat, but it's still kinda buggy. For those of you that don't know what Eyefinity is, check out AMD's website on it. It's a great technology using a multiple (3+) monitor setup to display what you're doing onscreen.

AMD's Website


Stay awesome, my friends.