FUCK ELVES

I apologize for all the posts on this ONE FUCKING NIGHT, but I found this too funny not to post.

I say this loud and proud:
FUCK ELVES

Oh yeah?

DON'T

SPEAK

HIGHLY

OF ME

100 Ways to Die in Skyrim

Enjoy! I know I did.

Introduction

So, for starters, I wanted to apologize to any readers for taking such a long break from posts here. With Thanksgiving, Black Friday, the GWAR show I went to and consistantly working late, I've had very little time to devote to both playing Skyrim and writing up blogs. In the future, I hope to avoid having this happen.



Welcome! This is going to finally be the blog's official introduction to the intertubes.

Obviously, many of you have already figured out the idea of this blog. I type up pants-on-head retarded things that happen to me in game, and you laugh. It's a farily simple equation, one that I hope to continue on for some time.

The Elder Scrolls are somewhat new to me as a series. I've only been playing since Oblivion, and even then, I got into the game pretty late after it's release. Both expansion packs and all the DLC for the game had been out for a bit by the time I got around to playing (Probably sometime in early 2009). Oblivion was a game I got sucked into, probably like most of you did, and something I spent more time than I'd like to admit playing. Naturally, when I heard about Skyrim coming out, I was very excited, so it made perfect sense when I pre-ordered it more than a year in advance...

I'm currently playing a level 24 Imperial character who has a pretty big focus on Two-Handed weapons, Heavy Armor, Destruction and Restoration magic, and has a decent rating in Archery (Fucking Dragons). At the point that I'm writing this, I've put about 40 hours of play overall into the game, and I'd guess that I'm a little more than halfway done the main storyline.

Personally, I'm a 20 year-old PC enthusiast who is obsessed with Warhammer and watching Law and Order. (For those that care, I currently play three armies in 40k- Blood Angels, Tyranids, and a Codex Marine force; and two in Fantasy- Warriors of Chaos and The Empire.) So if you're ever interested in discussing either of those two things, I'm all ears. I play a shitload of shooters, RPG's, and the occasional MMO (Guild Wars) in addition to TES:V Skyrim. But mostly, I just play Skyrim.

Holy shit I'm awesome.

The plan from here is to have anywhere from 1-3 posts in any given week. It's something I'm going to consistantly work on so that all of you have something to laugh at and enjoy once in a while.

That pretty much sums up everything I aim to complete with this blog and a little about me, so let's get on with the contact info!

STEAM ID: markhilferty
XBL: K4mpf3r 9
AIM: K4mpf3r X
Email: storiesfromskyrim@gmail.com

ENTER EPIC SLEW OF PICTURES FROM THE WEEK!

Fucking dog.

DIE, FUCKER!

It's like a hockey face-off, only he's a lot bigger.

Can anyone explain what the FUCK this is?

Badassatude? Badassatude.

RRRRRRREAAAAAGGGHHHH. Like he said.

Yep.

As you can see, I did quite a bit of dragon-slaying this week.

Until next time!





OH! I'm going to be doing a fan-based post sometime soon, so feel free to send in what stupid things you've been up to in-game! Easiest way to get a hold of me is on Steam, email, or AIM. GO FORTH, MY MINIONS!

How about...

Illustrated Travels, 11/21/11

This is a segment I like to call "Illustrated Travels", and it's a photolog of some of the things I did while in game today. Alternatively, this is when I don't feel like typing up a whole post of words...

I found a Mudcrab!

Slaying some bitch-ass Dragon.

:)

Looking out at the College of Winterhold from the Tomb of Ysgramor.

Incoming!

Tomorrow...




... Err, later today. More to come. A new week, a new set of insane tales to come. Sit tight, and enjoy this trailer in the meantime!

Why me...

I swear, I think the game plans this shit to happen to me...

So he engages the giant. Really, dragon?

STUPID

FUCKING

DRAGON

... And that's why this dragon is un-named.

Stories from Skyrim, 11/17/11

You know, I can't help but wonder:

Why the fuck is it always me?

Like, is everyone else in this ENTIRE FUCKING PROVINCE completely USELESS? I mean, FUCK.

Become a Companion, join the Dark Brotherhood, fight for the Stormcloaks, slay some dragons for us... And why do I always get asked to do the stupid, menial shit around town? Fetch me some salts for a potion, go get my dog outside of town, find this bandit, he stole my purse. Really, people? Bandits stole your purse? Isn't this a job more befit for some town guards? Go to them! I don't give a flying fuck about your problems, I have to stop the END OF THE FUCKING WORLD! You know, with the dragons and Alduin, the God of fucking DESTRUCTION on his way and such.

Find your own fucking dog.

Also, why should I buy a house if I'm your hold's thane? Just give me the fucking house. You know I could easily go to some other town and be their thane instead, right? Dumbass.

In short, if it's not a task befit for a being of God-like badassatude, don't bug me, fuckers.

Badassatude.

Markarth

Stone beds? STONE BEDS? Are you kidding me, people of Markarth? Stone beds? Really? I have trouble sleeping on my mattress, and it's got more lumps in it than a sack of fucking pototoes. You'd expect, after renting a room for 10 gold, that you'd get something better than a stone bed. Fuck.

Fuck.

At any rate, today I visited Markarth. What a shitpile. Probably the only city where, in the course of 24 hours, you can manage to start a murder mystery, end up in jail, shank someone, and help spark a rebellion. Fucked up, right?

So as I walk into Markarth for the first time, I watch this murder go down. Everyone is in shock, people scream, et cetera, et cetera, and the guards just shut them all up and go about their business. Whatever, I've seen worse. Some guy decides to talk to me after it's all done and hands me a note, going all,

"Hey, I think you dropped this, hurr."

Subtle. Real subtle. So I meet this guy at the Shrine to Talos and he starts talking all this crazy paranoid jibberish.

"So my daddy got stabbed, durr, by these forsworn, hurr, when I was a kid and now I's sad."

So off I go on this trail of shit through the city, trying to find out who did what and where it got done and why, and what do you know, it lands me in this shitty situtation:

Framed. This blows.

At any rate, they throw me in some mining prison, where I'm forced to shank a bitch and get this crazy guy to help everyone escape.

So I'm like, sure, let's get the fuck out of here, and to my surprise, this shit goes down:

Really?

I don't think I'll be visiting Markarth again.

WATIZIT

I just found this to be utterly hilarious. Enjoy.

Also, for all his fans: 

Golden-Hooves the Dragon-Slayer.

Stories From Skyrim, 11/14/11

So. I'm galloping across the plains on my trusty steed when suddenly, BAM! A fucking dragon appears. Of course, this is the perfect opportunity to gain some much needed XP and loot, so I jump on the chance to do me some dragon-slaying. So I'm shooting arrows at this dragon as it's swooping down, handling it like a grade-A boss, when OUT OF NOWHERE, a FUCKING MAMMOTH shows up. What the fuck. Mammoth engages dragon, I back the fuck off. Dragon starts losing, I continue firing into the dragon. Dragon decides to take off, and of fucking course, mammoth decides to CHASE ME THE FUCK DOWN. I book it, healing and running like a bitch, all the while, this dragon is still fucking flying around like a douche.


So Mister Dragon decides to finally come back down from flying around (All the while, I'm being chased by a mammoth), and to my horror, attacks my horse. Fuck. However, things go my way for once. Mr. Horsey (Now named Golden-Hooves the Dragon-Slayer) kicks the living SHIT out of the dragon. I cheer for a moment, then realize I'm still being chased. Booking it to the nearest tower, I giggle as some farmers get mauled by the massive beast. I cast firebolt continually, burning the fine creature into a darkened crisp.

Tonight, I'll be enjoying me some mammoth stew with Golden-Hooves.

Wooly. Fucking. Mammoth.